Our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners, for whom local GAA clubs are a regular occurrence, is a huge contributor to the results. Fifi_OnTheBall said her sister lives in south county Dublin, it’s not Douglas Road, true, but still, how bad. Anyway, this sister, Trixie, has kids at a GAA club in Dalkey, it’s called Cuala, and they’re all into money.

She said all the kids have Irish names but the parents have no idea to vote Sinn Fein, sure they will rob you blind with their taxes. Anyway, Fifi said it would be good if we could have a GAA club like this in Cork because rugby is becoming more common now, they even play it in Skibbereen.

Mimi_Mimosas had this: “I hear the stench from the teachers and guards guys every time I go to Nemo or Douglas with my Hugo, I thought GAA should be for everyone.” Then Lizzy_ElectricVolvo said, “Let’s create our own Cuala and we’ll control who can join. So it’s going to be a ‘thanks but no thanks’ to anyone who’s ever swam in the Owenahinch, because this little one screams, ‘I’m average and I’m proud.’

Say what you will about Douglas Road Stunners, but we’re ladies who’ve done their job, unless we’re distracted by a flash sale at Brown Thomas. Yes, we’re having an open house next week for our new club, everyone’s welcome – we have to say it, but you know it’s going to be high end bags. What do you think we should call it?

— Jenny, Douglas Road

I called my crazy GAA friend, No Fault Froggy. I said, “What would you call a GAA team that is a multi-millionaire playing thing?” He said, “Limerick Hurlers.” #FierceBitter.

Hi, this is Rosaleen here in Ballydesmond. It’s very hot here in north Cork, we’re sweating like a Kerry man during a tax audit. We’re all pulling out our summer clothes, which isn’t exactly cause for celebration – you haven’t felt truly sick until you’ve seen a Boherbue man in a short-sleeved shirt.

Freckles and fluffy hair on them will keep you up at night, and not in a good way either. Anyway, I arranged to go beer gardening with Berna last night, it’s a great hobby and there’s a 100% chance you’ll get a change compared to actual gardening, which is sadder than the story of Kiskeam.

I’m wearing a nice mini skirt, I have a big set of legs for a petite woman even if I do say so myself. Well, didn’t Berna come in short shorts that would have been too young for a woman half her age. I said “what’s wrong with your mirror you clown, you look like your man from Little Britain?”

Well, wasn’t I a fool half an hour later when the hen party arrived and didn’t they start fluttering around Berna like she was Beyoncé herself? I never thought I’d hear myself say this, but I could take a lesson from Berna. So, Audrey, where can I get a pair of short shorts for a woman in her 40s?

— Rosaline, Ballydesmond.

I called my fashion guru Timmy Trending and told him your story. He said, “that’s pathetic.” Did I say 40 year old woman in short shorts? He said no, “a lad in Ballydesmond”.

Come on, what’s the story when your old doll starts texting her ex because she misses his abs? I met her on the bounce from this posh type called Jack, he gets really mad if you spell it with a “c”. One day she would tell me she was glad to see his back.

The next minute she’ll be talking about his back muscles in a cocky voice. That’s a low blow, Audrey, because I’m allergic to the gym. I’m not heavy or anything, but I love ice cream, especially these days when it’s out in the Bahamas.

The old doll seems to have the weather on her side and this morning she sent me a photo of her ex topless in Shul with the caption, “He wasn’t that bad to be honest.” It’s not like. We all have pros and cons. I’m good and I can do it with my tongue. Do you have any advice for me?

— Donnie’s daughter, Blackpool

I have one piece of advice. See you tomorrow afternoon in Fitzgerald Park – I really want to see what you can do with your tongue.

Guten Tag. My sister came to see me in Cork from Berlin, and within fifteen minutes of arriving she said, “Why do you speak with an American accent, Jurgen?”

I said “that’s like my girl with a cork accent, it’s berries” and she said “no Jurgen” and played my recording and it’s true, I sound like a 15 year old girl from Santa Monica. My sister said all Irish people under 40 have an American accent from YouTube and a Cork accent on their way out.

“Oh my god,” I said firmly, “that’s a shame, man.” How can we preserve the cork accent?

– Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig, well.

I have the same problem with my children. I’m torn between locking them in a room with Cha and Mia on a loop, or moving to Italy and changing my identity in case they come looking for me. I guess I could always do both.

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