I am a 50 year old woman and deeply in love with his partner, who is 65. We were together for a short time eight years. When I met this man, I was excited to be with someone who was attentive and loved sex just as much as I did. We experimented and tried many things that made me feel confident and safe. My partner has some things he likes about a woman: tight dresses, stockings and high-heeled shoes – all this I was happy to walk together. But suddenly they became absolutely necessary before any sex could take place. There was no more “Fast”Before the kids came home or had sex on weekend morning – It all seemed like a production. I didn’t feel it more sexy and not really wanted to get dressed for I have lost confidence. Just changed gender – he felt less loving and more functional, and there was a loss of confidence. If I bear the idea of ​​that to get dressed doesn’t have to be a prerequisite for sex, he always says, “You know what I like. He still loves what he does every day, but our sex life is different now. Sex doesn’t have to be that kind of effort. I still get dressed on the weekends and we have good sexbut I really miss that sense of desire without any lines.

Some people are sexually connected so that they need certain elements to arouse, desire or reach orgasm. This usually occurs over time and is sometimes associated with underlying anxiety. I’ve known many couples where one fetishist person is obsessed with something visual or tactile, for example, and with good communication they can usually agree on an agreement that says “sex in clothes” will take place on two weekends, and “without clothes “Before Sex” will take place on two weekdays. Maybe you will come to such an understanding. But there may be other factors such as erectile dysfunction, so I hope you will be able to have a very honest and gentle conversation that will allow you to fully understand who he is sexually and so that he can understand your feelings and needs. You both deserve to have your needs met and to be seen for the complex sexual beings you both are.

  • If you want to get advice from Pamela on sexual issues, send us a brief description of your problems to private.lives@theguardian.com (please do not send attachments). Each week Pamela chooses one task to answer, which will be published online. She regrets not being able to enter into personal correspondence. Applications are subject to ours terms and conditions.

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